My beloved mom died last month. She had a big, generous, complicated heart that positively impacted so many lives, and I feel so lucky to have been a tiny star that she chose to be in her orbit. I have so many feelings that I seem unable to express right now. Perhaps with time I will, but for now I will keep most of them, and her, close to my (broken) heart.
A few nights after she died, I dreamt that I was in the living room at my childhood home. It was dawn. I stood in front of the multiple tall windows that looked out over the back yard, the pasture, barn, and chicken house beyond. I noticed that a doe was in the rhododendrons just outside, two spotted fawns at her side; she nuzzled them and looked into my eyes. Just then I heard a rushing sound, looked up, and saw a huge flock of white birds descending. They swooped and swirled, flying right up to the windows, emanating a warmth and love that wrapped around me like one of her hugs. I woke up and smiled for the first time in days.
Mom always walked. (Dad still does every morning, at age 90 now pushing a walker along for stability.) We did several Volkswalks together here in the Pacific Northwest, but for years she did them wherever she traveled. She joined walking clubs and kept pins and badges from various organized walks she completed. She just loved walking, plain and simple, organized or not. My parents' influence has had me walking for years, but early last year I committed to getting outside to walk first thing in the morning. There were a few days last summer I didn't make it due to unforeseen health issues, but I did more often than not until it became a sacred practice, even through winter (which I find more enjoyable than summer). Mom wasn't really able to walk much the last few years of her life, and she often lamented that fact and how she wished she could get out and walk like she used to. I've been feeling her with me in the mornings these last few weeks, and I know now that when I need to feel close to her all I have to do is get out and walk. Every walk I take now is with her.
slow notes:
A few books I've read and liked recently:
- When I Sing, Mountains Dance, by Irene Sola.
- A Wild Love for the World: Joanna Macy and the Work of Our Time, by Stephanie Kaza and Joanna Macy.
- Embrace Fearlessly the Burning World: Essays, by Barry Lopez.
- A Thousand Ways to Pay Attention, by Rebecca Schiller.
- Phosphorescence, by Julia Baird.
- Windswept: Walking the Paths of Trailblazing Women, by Annabel Abbs. I'm just finishing this up. I read Wanderers: A History of Women Walking by Kerri Andrews last year and it's similar in concept, but Abbs walks in the steps of the women she writes about and shares her own personal thoughts and stories along the way. I loved it.